During the upcoming move, I'm looking for easy content and thought, "I'm great at telling people what they should do! I should write an advice column!" The following is from the AmITheAsshole subreddit.

AITA for leaving during an intervention I never agreed to?

This happened on Friday. I'm so beyond upset right now and have gone NC for the immediate future with my Mom.

My (36 M) sister Jane (34 F) have no relationship. She's my sister by blood only. I'll try to be as unbiased as possible here, but she did some pretty crappy things when our Father died. Things like withholding information about his estate, attempting to sell his home and split the profits with his fiancé against my knowledge, not actually being physically there when he died in hospice, etc. Afterwards, she would continuously gaslight me to the point that I went NC with her back in 2018. My life has been so much better without her in it.

My Mom Brenda (60 F) is not a fan of this. She was divorced from my Father and, even though I loved him so much, I have to admit that he wasn't the greatest parent in some aspects (we lived with him). My sister and I not having a great relationship is, mostly in part, his fault. Brenda doesn't like that her two only children have a dead relationship and is constantly trying to fix it.

After being in therapy, I've started learning how to erect and enforce boundaries. I don't like it when my Mom attempts to "fix" our relationship and I call her out on it (gently) each time. For example, a few weeks ago, she mentioned how she wasn't going to name neither me nor Jane as the executor until we "fix our shit". I calmly told her I didn't think that was appropriate to say or do and that I didn't like how she isn't taking into account my feelings and why I chose to go NC with Jane.

My wife and I flew in to go visit Brenda this past Friday. My wife and I recently had a son a year ago so we wanted to visit his grandma. We walked in and were met with half the family standing there (including Jane who was sitting) claiming that they were doing an intervention. On my relationship with Jane. I was speechless. I looked at my Wife who was just as flabbergasted as I was. I said I'm not doing an intervention and this is enormously inappropriate. My Mom went into this tirade of how I'm a grown adult and this behavior is childish. I need to make up with my sister so we can put all of this behind us.

We immediately left. My Mom followed us out while asking why I couldn't do the adult thing and just talk to my sister. Baby was crying. We got into the car and booked a hotel. I booked a new flight for tomorrow and I'm trying my best not to look upset for the baby. My wife says she had nothing to do with this and would never sanction it if she knew. My wife's phone and mine have been blowing up non stop with the family accusing me of being a "drama queen" and hurting my Mom's feelings.

The only family member I didn't go NC with is my Step Dad who sent me a simple apology text.

With all these text messages, I'm starting to doubt myself. My next therapy session isn't until next Friday and I'm not sure how to feel. AITA for going NC with my Mom?

KTracy's Verdict

Yep, you're the asshole. But, on the bright side, you may not be the only one!

It sounds like you have a messed up childhood with a lot of unnecessary stress, division, and pain. It's a reminder that nobody is perfect. I wish you went into more detail about your beef with your sister and the gaslighting that took place. However, I think you both had legitimate reasons to feel upset with the other. Handling your father's estate without your input was wrong, and if she knew your dad was on the verge of death and chose to waste the time at a bar or something, that would be wrong and wildly aggravating, too. I want to stress that people can be in hospice for years or hours, and if that time is longer, it's not reasonable to expect an adult child to be at a parent's bedside every waking moment. Similarly, sometimes you have hours of notice before someone dies. Other times, you have minutes. I'm assuming you're upset with your sister for a good reason, but I want to stress to readers that the information provided alone is not enough to condemn a person. However, given the information provided, your sister may have had legitimate reasons to be upset with you. It sounds as if you left the area and left her to deal with your dad when he was sick and dying. I don't know if you were there when your dad died, but if she and his fiancée felt like you weren't present for your dad, they may have been bitter at you for living your life and tried keeping you out of the estate stuff out of spite. I'm not saying it's right, but it's possibly understandable. I want to stress, there is not enough information here to understand the beef between you and your sister, this is just something to think about. It may not apply at all.

Anyway, going "No Contact" with a family member is an extreme choice to make and, in the case of family, it should only be done long enough to get yourself in a healthy position, figure out what you need and want, and then open communication in a controlled, safe way. By going No Contact permanently, you're not only punishing your sister (who may deserve it); but deeply hurting your mother. I'm not saying you and your sister should be besties, but it won't kill you to be civil, acknowledge her, and love her as the flawed sibling and daughter that she is.

Now, I don't think you're the only asshole in this story. Your mom's decision to have an intervention was ill-advised and may make her guilty of conspiracy to commit assholery. Still, it's important to remember that she did this because she was hurt and hoped it would help mend the relationship between you and your sister. As ill-advised as it was, "Blessed are the Peacemakers, for they will be called children of God."

You need to consider something else:

Your sister thinks you're over-reacting.

Your mom thinks you're over-reacting.

All of your family texting you think you're over-reacting.

Your step-dad is doing your mom a favor by apologizing to you and keeping a line of communication open so you don't cut off the entire family forever, like you did your sister.

Dude, I get it. Your sister hurt you a thousand different ways and left you hurt, confused, belittled, and feeling worthless. She doesn't deserve your forgiveness, but offering it, however hard it may be and however long it may take, will make you a better person and bring a tremendous amount of happiness to your mom.

Spread happiness and love.

Again, I'm not saying you should send your baby to her for summer vacations. I'm not saying that you should talk on the phone every Saturday. However, you should be able to talk to her when family emergencies arise or important questions need to be asked. Forgiving her doesn't mean she's vindicated. Forgiving her doesn't mean forgetting the pain she caused you. Forgiving her doesn't mean you vacation together. Just be willing to give her a little bit of time and communicate with her. Be willing to be in the same room with her and break bread at your mom's house.